*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
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I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
awesome draft from months ago i just found
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.