My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
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*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
Are you a cat person or a person person?
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband