u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
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doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
Guys, I found it.
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
I wanna be friends with this person
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.