Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
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there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada