my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
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my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels