Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
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I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge: