Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
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Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*