[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
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If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
What fresh Hell is this?!?
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.