Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
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The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.