* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
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Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme