Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
You Might Also Like
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
These dogs look like they have good credit.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.