“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
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My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
That’s classic.
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?