Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
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I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.