Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
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me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…