why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
You Might Also Like
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]