To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
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Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.