From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
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Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?