Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
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Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.