“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
You Might Also Like
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.