Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
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you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
Always a metermaid never a meter
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*