[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
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My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?