If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
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Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
When I said I liked it rough.
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked