[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
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Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
dictator is short for richard potato
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody