Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
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Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.