Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
You Might Also Like
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
I got bills
They’re multiplying
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children