[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
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*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
Got ya covered
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people