[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
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“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?