The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
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How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
Word.
~ Microsoft.
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
Your secret is safeish with me
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.