Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
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I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
Jupiter
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it