Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
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Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex