Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
You Might Also Like
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.