FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
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My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
new record!
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩