[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
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Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.