Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
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[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
What’s a Messi?
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
we’re dead?
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong