me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
You Might Also Like
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
At an art museum and I thought this was art
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one