Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
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first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.