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I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
I see your IQ test came back negative
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.