*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
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if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
Lmao
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”