#KarenAndTheCat 😉
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Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
Adultry does not sound fun at all
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
Air conditioning – not a fan
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.