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My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
#NoRestForTheWicked
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS