*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
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Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan