*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
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the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.