Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
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My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
Optional boss fight.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies