airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
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*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
Mission: Impossible
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
drew a comic about my origin story