[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
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Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
2022 be like
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe