It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
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I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
These 3D printers are insane!
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.