The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
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April 1st is the class clown of days.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
Breaking news:
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia