My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
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Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
Oh my God.
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles