doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
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as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.