Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
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If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.